Voldemort's Opinions!
by YouMayKnowMeAsAngel
Summary: Voldemort gives his opinions of the world will he is put in a Ward! Read for information! PARADY! WARNING: Contains major swearing


** Welcome to Voldemort's opinions! I'm pretty sure that there are other stories like these out there, but I am not copying. This is my own idea, and all the characters mentioned here belong to J.K. Rowling. Have fun, and please ask questions! That's what keeps this story alive! Questions are not needed though, and Voldemort will give his opinions regardless. Questions are just extra fun!**

We will be using a tape recorder for this story.

VOLDEMORT: How do you use this bloody muggle contraption?! Do you click on?…..wait….oh for the love of all that is holy, TURN ON! I DEMAND YOU TO WORK YOU LITTLE F-…...wait….there's a red light…it _is_ on? WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?!

Can you just edit that part out?

*Ahem.* Hi.

I would like to put down for the record that this was _not_ my idea. Why do I have to answer pathetic muggle questions and give my opinion of the world today? I'm Lord Voldemort! LORD BLOODY VOLDEMORT! Do I have to spell it out for you?!

(God, I hope not. I couldn't spell Voldemort if I tried.)

Here's the dealio. (Yes, I use the word dealio. Don't like that? WELL THEN SUCK MY WAND MUGGLE SCUM!)

So I died. Yeah, scar boy killed me.

Wait, YouMayKnowMeAsAngel just corrected me. Technically, I killed myself. My own curse bounced off Potter's disarming charm, and it hit me.

Ha! Take THAT Potter! Only Lord Voldemort can kill Lord Voldemort! (Makes obscene hand gesture.)

Ok, YouMayKnowMeAsAngel just told me to tone down the swearing and the gestures. She says we have to keep this "appropriate" and "T-rated".

Psssh. Bitch can't handle me. No one can handle the Lord V. (Stupid muggle…I'll kill her in her sleep with Miley Cyrus's foam finger.)

Anyways, I died. It was like going to sleep, only dieing instead. (Shut up Sirus. That's _not_ a stupid analogy.)

So I wake up in this institution called The Ward for Unstable Dead Wizards.

Yeah, like _I'm _unstable.

AAAAAAHHHHHH! SPIDER! AVADA KEDAVRA! AVADA KEDAVRA! AVADA KEDAVRAAVADAKEDAVRAAVADAKEDAVRA! HOLYSHITHOLYSHITHOLYSHITHOLYSHIT! (Shoots wand like crazy.)

Oh, wait.

False alarm you guys! It was just a ball of lint! It's all good!

What's that?

I killed three muggles?

Eh, watevs.

Like I was saying, I got to be the most stable wizard on the planet.

SIRUS: What's that say about the rest of the planet?

VOLDEMORT: Shut up! (Throws wand.)

SIRUS: (Sidesteps.) Really? You _throw_ it instead of hexing me?

VOLDEMORT: Do not question my decisions! (Sirus walks away, rolling eyes.)

Oh, right, the recording thingie majig. Yeah, Sirus is here too. All the dead people are here. No, not all of them are in the Ward (only the awesome people get in, like me. :D ) but they come and visit from time to time.

So, I wake up in the Ward, and they explain that part of my "therapy" (whatever that is) will be answering questions from people on a site called FanFiction. I looked it up in my spare time on the muggle computer contraption, and I found this whole section based on that Granger girl and my younger self. It involved a Time Turner and lots of kissing and broom closets...

I have decided that I will add the internet to my list of Things/People That I Must Destroy.

My slave driver is named YouMayKnowMeAsAngel, even though she says that the correct term for what she is, is a "therapist". Nope. Slave driver fits her more. I mean _she's_ the one that's making me do this.

I tried turning her into a llama yesterday, but nothing happened. She said that she's magic proof, but I think that she's secretly a llama, so that's why nothing happened.

Oh, she says that I should explain the one rule for this story. Ok, here it is.

Rule #1: You can ask me (or any other dead character) any question, but it must be a question. (However, I will except love notes. But they must be in haiku form. Bella always writes them in haiku form…)

That's the only rule. BUT, I made up my _own_ set of rules to go along with it!

Voldemort's Awesome Rules #1: NO hashtagging. I simply do not understand muggle girls and their computer signals. Are you asking me for my number? No? _THEN DON'T USE THE # SIGN!_

Voldemort's Awesome Rules #2: No Potter loving. Potter is stupid. Potter is a bloody idiot with beautiful green eyes. Potter must die. Potter WILL die. Potter is…

Ok, YouMayKnowMeAsAngel just said that I must not mention the "P" word anymore. It makes me upset. She says that whenever his name is mentioned, my eye starts twitching and I start to drool. Also, I seem to get a stiff one…..

The "P" word must not be mentioned.

Ok, got to go stalk other dead wizards on the Facebook thing that muggles do so enjoy. (Frankly, why would anyone want their face on a book? People who have their faces on books are LOSERS! Hear that Potter?!)

Oops. Said the "P" word.

Voldemort OUT! (Peace sign.)

Note From Tom Riddle's Therapist:

I am truly sorry about that. My patient does not seem to understand what is going on here. He insists on swearing at every opportunity, and he enjoys making fun of the muggle world. We have made good progress though. So far, the death count is down to three per day, and Peter Pettigrew says that Tom only hit him with a frying pan 12 times yesterday.

I believe that this is a good idea.

-YouMayKnowMeAsAngel

P.S. Please ignore Tom's "rules". If you wish, you can break them as much as you want. I must warn you, it may make him a tad upset though.


End file.
